In my hurry to survive different stages in life, I’ve left
parts of myself behind.
In my journey for wholeness, I have discovered parts of
myself –stuck in seasons of pain—that
are wounded and waiting for attention. This is an interesting discovery, to say
the least.
For instance, in a ministry appointment not long ago, a very
wounded “Little Marcie” was tended to.
She is the youngest part of me who was
wounded at a very young age and thought it is safer to be hidden than to be
known. For that part of me, being known is dangerous and could end in
punishment.
In careful prayer, I had to submit the pain that the young
part of me held onto. No doubt, it served for survival at some point but the
downside is that because it was STILL not taken care of, I could very easily be
triggered into “hiding” to protect---even at the slightest hint of “danger” or
even a reasonable challenge!
Even healthy challenges would feel like a
threat because they would require for me to be ‘known’ and THAT was
frightening!
I was able to get in
touch with the pain and humiliation of the season of time ‘she’ represented and
let healing come in there. Now, that tactic of “hiding” is greatly losing its
grip as I break agreement with the idea that it is still necessary and valid
for coping with my ‘now’ life.
Another part of my life that was encapsulated in pain was
the tragic ending of my first marriage. Not only that, but the inability to
have children and all the pain and stigma that added to my life and its contribution
to the divorce. Because I slammed
straight into the brick wall of yet another
season of trauma when my husband and I separated, I was not able to slow down
and heal in “real time”. I dissociated
at that point and survived in another way.
A couple of weeks ago, I was able to safely access this part
that had to wait and was holding so much pain. I saw it as ‘Desolate Wife’ and –
wow—there was a lot of denied grief pent up in her (me) as well as the wrong
belief that God had forgotten me in that time.
Letting down the walls and letting God love me and speak His truth to that
place of pain has brought a great deal of relief.
Without that healing experience, the oddest
things could trigger that pocket of pain and I would be catapulted into a
series of extreme, seemingly irrational, disproportionate reactions that even I could not explain!
There may very well be other segments of my life that are
time-locked in pain because I had to hurry through them in order to keep my
life moving and ‘survive’. Slowly, as it
is safe to do so, these things are being revisited, the toxicity and trauma is
removed and peace comes.
I am convinced there
are parts of our lives that have not been brought to resolution.
They will
resurface when the wound is threatened and the message comes out, once again, with a loud and clear
“BACK OFF”. It takes sensitivity and the
Presence of God to safely visit these places of pain, bring the truth that God really was there and did not forsake us,
and let Him bring comfort and peace.
Time to UNPACK!
We MUST slow down and
heal as we go. If we don’t, we ‘stuff’ the pain and a part of our self and,
in some degree, dissociate. While
built-in survival techniques are in themselves a God-send—a God-design…we
really can live a life that is higher than just ‘survival mode’.
Call it what you want—we
all have ‘stuffed stuff’ we haven’t slowed down and dealt with.
As I said, I am on a journey of wholeness.
Peace by piece.
And stepping out into LIFE.
