Get.It.Together.

In my hurry to survive different stages in life, I’ve left parts of myself behind.

In my journey for wholeness, I have discovered parts of myself –stuck in seasons of pain—that are wounded and waiting for attention. This is an interesting discovery, to say the least.

For instance, in a ministry appointment not long ago, a very wounded “Little Marcie” was tended to.

She is the youngest part of me who was wounded at a very young age and thought it is safer to be hidden than to be known. For that part of me, being known is dangerous and could end in punishment.

In careful prayer, I had to submit the pain that the young part of me held onto. No doubt, it served for survival at some point but the downside is that because it was STILL not taken care of, I could very easily be triggered into “hiding” to protect---even at the slightest hint of “danger” or even a reasonable challenge!  

Even healthy challenges would feel like a threat because they would require for me to be ‘known’ and THAT was frightening!

I was able to get in touch with the pain and humiliation of the season of time ‘she’ represented and let healing come in there. Now, that tactic of “hiding” is greatly losing its grip as I break agreement with the idea that it is still necessary and valid for coping with my ‘now’ life.

Another part of my life that was encapsulated in pain was the tragic ending of my first marriage. Not only that, but the inability to have children and all the pain and stigma that added to my life and its contribution to the divorce.  Because I slammed straight into the brick wall of yet another season of trauma when my husband and I separated, I was not able to slow down and heal in “real time”.  I dissociated at that point and survived in another way. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was able to safely access this part that had to wait and was holding so much pain. I saw it as ‘Desolate Wife’ and – wow—there was a lot of denied grief pent up in her (me) as well as the wrong belief that God had forgotten me in that time.

 
Letting down the walls and letting God love me and speak His truth to that place of pain has brought a great deal of relief.   

Without that healing experience, the oddest things could trigger that pocket of pain and I would be catapulted into a series of extreme, seemingly irrational, disproportionate reactions that even I could not explain! 

There may very well be other segments of my life that are time-locked in pain because I had to hurry through them in order to keep my life moving and ‘survive’.  Slowly, as it is safe to do so, these things are being revisited, the toxicity and trauma is removed and peace comes.

I am convinced there are parts of our lives that have not been brought to resolution. 

They will resurface when the wound is threatened and the message comes out, once again, with a loud and clear “BACK OFF”.  It takes sensitivity and the Presence of God to safely visit these places of pain, bring the truth that God really was there and did not forsake us, and let Him bring comfort and peace.

Time to UNPACK!

We MUST slow down and heal as we go.  If we don’t, we ‘stuff’ the pain and a part of our self and, in some degree, dissociate.  While built-in survival techniques are in themselves a God-send—a God-design…we really can live a life that is higher than just ‘survival mode’.

Call it what you want—we all have ‘stuffed stuff’ we haven’t slowed down and dealt with.  

As I said, I am on a journey of wholeness. 

Peace by piece.

 

"Please. Be Quiet."

"But we urge you, brethren, to excel still more, and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life and attend to your own business and work with your hands, just as we commanded you, so that you will behave properly toward outsiders and not be in any need."  I Thess 4: 10-12

Be ambitious to be quiet? Sounds like 'striving for peace'!

Some translations say "study to be quiet".  I know something about that.  I have been in a long, quiet season---working along the way, tending to my own business and not needing recognition. 

It has been one of the most beneficial soul exercises I have ever done.

I needed to die to the need of recognition that religion can train us to expect.  I love encouragement, but I don’t need praise.  I want to share the testimonies of God, but I don’t need any particular reputation.  I love this quiet place.  God and I have secrets.  I don’t tell everything He does in me and through me. There is a time for testimony and there is a time for intimacy and trust in another way.

Now I find that when the Lord nudges me to ‘step out over here...’ my answer has been, ‘But I really like this hidden place!’

Being quiet is so much more than 'not talking'. 

For me, it started with talking less but ended up being much, much more.  For instance, I could be in a situation where my mind would spin off several things I could say—and I would CHOOSE to ‘hold my peace’—praying, instead.  Sure, sometimes I would share—but NOTHING like I had done before.

Little by little, I noticed my heart was not striving and was actually content to be…quiet.

I had been driven by the need to be known. The need to be understood. The need to be right? (yuk)  Lots of yukky undercurrents there that were only to be curbed by being radically shut down.

By practicing quietness, I learned I had been doing a LOT of talking.  What my soul REALLY craved was quiet—but I didn’t know it until I was there. 

There. Where He leads beside still waters.  And restores our soul.  There.  The Shepherd took me there.

It feels so good to be able to REST.  For the past several months, I have not needed a sleep aid to rest during the night—for the first time in 16 years!!

Is God leading you to a journey of rest for your soul?

           
                Life is the survival of the RESTED.

1 Chronicles 4: 40  “They found rich, good pasture, and the land was spacious, peaceful and quiet.”

Job 6: 24 “Teach me, and I will be quiet; show me where I have been wrong.”

Psalm 23: 2  “He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters; He restores my soul.”

Psalm 131: 2  “But I have calmed and quieted myself; I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child, I am content."

Isaiah 32: 17  “The fruit of that righteousness will be peace; its effect will be quietness and confidence forever.”

Lamentation 3: 26  “It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

 

The Bread of His Presence

I love finding something beautiful in God's Word. Easy to do, I know, because it is all beautiful. But you know those times when something particularly 'stands out'?

I was reading about being consecrated. I looked up the scriptures containing that word and began to read about these things being consecrated (set apart as holy for the Lord's use):

1 Kings 9:3

The Lord said to him: “I have heard the prayer and plea you have made before me; I have consecrated this temple, which you have built, by putting my Name there forever. My eyes and my heart will always be there."

The new testament says our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. Don't love you love that He says "My eyes and My heart will always be there" ??

                And His Name. 

OH. And then I read about the Bread of His Presence.

1 Samuel 21:6

So the priest gave him the consecrated bread, since there was no bread there except the bread of the Presence that had been removed from before the Lord and replaced by hot bread on the day it was taken away.

That led me to a little research.

The Table (carrier of the Bread of Presence)

The Mishnah (writing of Jewish traditions) also suggests that the Table could be dismantled into small portions, so that if any part of it ever became ritually impure, it could be regain its ritual purity by washing the parts in a Mikvah.(1)

^{I LOVE THIS!! Remember when Jesus was washing the disciples' feet and Peter told the Lord that he could not let him wash his feet?}

^{John 13: 6} He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”
⁷ Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”
⁸ “No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”
Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”
⁹ “Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”
¹⁰ Jesus answered, “Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean."

Sometimes I can feel like I have completely disappointed God. When I come to Him, He washes me. He doesn't require that I be completely 'saved' again.
 

I've had the 'bath'. He only washes the part that needs to be clean.

We, like the table, carry the Bread of His Presence. We can go to him to be restored in whatever part of our lives that has been defiled. Then, we are bearers once again of the sweetness of His Presence.

Another thing about this table...

The Mishnah states that there were 28 ventilation tubes, 14 for each pile, each of which was open at one end only. The view exists that the supports and tubes formed a complex receptacle for the loaves, similar to a grate, with the lowest loaf in each pile resting directly on the table, but the with the next loaf resting on the two lowest of the tubes, and so forth up the pile. There were 12 loaves.

^{The bread was set within a support of ventilation tubes and topped with golden bowls filled with incense mixed with salt.}

^Wow.

^{There was AIR moving around the bread. I love the way the Holy Spirit breathes on His Word and makes His Presence known.}

 

^{The smell of the bread was prominent in this Holy Place. The bread was kneaded outside the temple, but baked INside so the aroma would fill the place. The bread was replaced with fresh bread every 7 days. The priests were allowed to eat the bread--so it was consumed.}

^{The word for this bread is literally 'love feast'. It is a picture of the bread of our communion with The Lord.} 

^{Thousands of years ago, this was done as a picture of what was to come through Jesus.}

 

^{I have a lot to meditate on here. Carrying His Presence, His fragrance, being consecrated.}

 

^{I've only begun to learn.} 

 

^{Footnote 1: (Mikvah is a place of immersion for purity. Worshippers would be totally immersed in a Mikvah to be purified. Some purifications required being immersed in 'living water' found in a natural spring or a stream.)}

^{(This photo shows a less elaborate system of tubes between the loaves:)}

  

Not Delilah. Again.

Over the last month or so, it keeps resonating in my spirit that the record of Samson's fall is a lot like the journey of a person in denial about some habitual sin.

Samson was a man of incredible strength and that strength was given to him because of his faithfulness to the Nazarite vow. His un-cut hair was one of the terms of his calling.  (Judges 14-16)

I've always been curious about Samson. He has a calling before birth--as the angel of the Lord visited his parents and told them about the son they would have. God used him to do amazing acts of power even though he had a temper and a weakness for women. Twice, it is recorded that a woman (first, his Philistine wife and then Delilah) begged, nagged and pleaded with him until he was 'sick to death of it'.  In each instance, he allowed himself to be wheedled down to give away something of his personal power and dignity. Each time it resulted in a horrible outcome.

Like a person who would manipulate, beg, nag and wear you down---a habitual sin will hang around; attempting to wear you out to the point of agreement. 

It will try to cause you to give away something of your power and dignity---causing you to compromise in faith.

Samson played this like a sport. Every time Delilah would emotionally manipulate him, he would give her a false answer. She wanted to know, "Wherein lies your strength?" She asked the same question each time.

Each time, she would take the answer he gave her and call for his enemies to attack him. Three times, he would rise against the attack and win, because he was withholding his true secret; still seemingly winning at 'the game'.

Surely after the third time, he would learn that she meant evil for him.  With the third attempt, he went dangerously close to the truth by mentioning his hair in his answer, “If you weave the seven braids of my head into the fabric on the loom and tighten it with the pin, I’ll become as weak as any other man.” And once again she said the same thing as the other times, "Samson! The Philistines are upon you!" 

He KNEW he was dealing with a liaison with his enemy but he kept on walking on the razor's edge.

Why?

The next verse tells us.  Delilah said again, "Samson! The Philistines are upon you!"

"He awoke from his sleep and thought, “I’ll go out as before and shake myself free.”

We've all toyed with things in our lives and thought we could still walk away.

“I’ll go out as before and shake myself free.”

But what if you couldn't? What if you were so worn down in your soul that you betrayed even your most sacred inner vows? But you had beaten the odds so many times, you actually began to think you are in control. What are we THINKING???

We KNOW we are making deals in our soul.

“I’ll go out as before and shake myself free.”

God can still rescue us from that bondage. But with that much self-delusion, we'll need to humble ourselves to others, confess and ask for help.

We tend to think we can 'shake ourselves free'. 

Regarding the temptation to compromise, the Spirit of the Lord told me not long ago,
 

           "Don't negotiate with terrorists."

You know that nagging, manipulative voice that pulls you into defeat is a representative of the enemy in the same way as Delilah with the Philistines--and we've negotiated too many times.

The next time we are tested and feel we are being pushed the wrong direction--we can know the enemy is mocking us with, 

"Wherein is your strength?"

Consider these plans of action:

Godly friends:
I Samuel 23: 16 "And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God."

Time in His Presence:
2 Samuel 22: 33 "It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure."
I Chronicles 16: 11 "Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always."

Look how Jesus prayed for Simon---and remember, He intercedes for us now. 
Here is how He prays:
Luke 22: 32 "But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

 

Let's trust in His strength and not our own, as Samson did.

(Kinda cute, right?) :)

 

Love,

Marcie

Social and Personal Stigma

stig·ma

noun: stigma

• a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.
• a set of negative and often unfair beliefs that a society or group of people have about something; often resulting in shame-based thinking and belief system
• a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation

I have had several things in life that stigmatized me and I know the crippling effect it can have-- if it becomes something you deeply believe about yourself; something that becomes your TRUTH.

Proverbs 23: 7 "As a man thinks in his heart; so is he."

I was raised poor. There are no other ways to say it. It is not that we didn't have ANYthing. We had significantly LESS than others and what we had was not 'good stuff'. 

I was a kid of the 60s and 70s. The world was moving quickly. Regardless of the advances in society, science and the world--it did not feel that way for me.

Man had been to and on the moon...but there were times when our household didn't have a TV, radio or telephone. We couldn't afford it.

We ate hot dogs, chicken (from our 'farm'), spaghetti, and cheese/mustard sauce over crackers. Occasionally there would be a pie. (Those days were heaven.) Once in a while, we could have a Coke.  My mother did ironing for the owners of a country store to pay for our grocery bill. Add to that...we had ratty, not-dependable family cars. Oh my Lord....the cars....

Why do I say all this? Because I let it define me. It's not just that we were poor. I felt painfully DIFFERENT. 

Even worse:  LESS. 

This is my childhood home:



This is a photo taken a few years go--but it wasn't much better 'back in the day'. There used to be more trees, a cover over the porch and it was painted white. *sigh* It was the best we could do.

In contrast, my friends had wall-to-wall carpeting, central air and heat and didn't have a wood stove in middle of the living room.

I was told we didn't have money and would never go to college.

So, I didn't. I remember the day Mom told me that. It felt like air was being let out of a balloon; in her AND me. Mostly--in her. She wanted 'better' for us and was conceding that she couldn't provide it. I didn't know about options or how to work through the college years. Having gone to 6 high schools, I didn't even understand there were counselors who could have helped me.

To launch into adult life with the stigmas of being poor and no college education -- can be absolutely crippling----if you BELIEVE you are "less".

I am so excited my sister and brother went on to higher education--for my brother, at his own expense and as a young father.

I crouched under the shadow of those things for so many decades, I have no idea what my life could have been like with positive, goal-setting, empowering mentoring!

What are your stigmas? What marked you as different or 'less'? Abuse? I had that one, too. Beaten, molested, threatened, afraid. I was a DEPRESSED adolescent.

Were your parents divorced? Did that mark you in your soul as 'less'--even though many have experienced the same thing? Were you lonely in your own experience?--even though it was common in others your age?

There are so many stigmas. Body type. Skin color. Past behavior you can't seem to 'live down'. Mental struggles. Judgment for taking necessary meds. What part of town you live in and what kind of car you drive! Being raised by one parent. Having a parent with poor behavior. Family reputation. Problems in school.

The pressures and world standards are out of control!  Even less tolerable is for any of this to be perpetuated in the Body of Christ.

The human tendency to compare ourselves to other people is RELENTLESS!

I love the following scripture on the subject of comparisons--and I LOVE how many times the word 'themselves' is used! haha  :)

2 Corinthians 10: 12  For we are not bold to class or compare ourselves with some of those who commend themselves; but when they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are without understanding.

(Don't you ache to see this written in Southern-ese? "Y'all quit lookin' to those people to find out who you should be and all y'all stop comparing all y'alls selves to all y'alls selves.")

Is there ANY negative definition from your formative years that has served as a ball and chain for your progress?

Identify it. Find someone to grieve with you as you let it go. Pray it through to healing. Identify with your new life.

God has a way of moving these painful pasts OUT of our present of promise---putting them into perspective and setting you free.

Instead of being a driving force of restriction, what was once negative stigma takes its place as part of your story so you can encourage others and at the same time be launched into YOUR life.

Another trap in this is the determination to go from STIGMA to STATUS. It doesn't matter if all the external stigmas are changed and set right if the heart is not healed. Insecurity will plague the soul and rob the joy of any progress in spite of the accolades of the world and society. Certainly a negative outcome would be to develop an idol of STATUS.

"Lord, help us leave everything behind about the definitions of the world and its system. Help us to embrace Your ways and Your thoughts which are higher. We forgive those who wounded us and left their mark. Please heal our scars and comfort our lonely places. Fill us and complete us and help us seek a humble, powerful walk with You. Rain on us and soak us in Your love!!"

Funny thing about God's healing. I now tell stories about my childhood as though they are tiny snippets of the best story EVER. The sting has been taken out and now my past 
"it is what it is":
A story of the redemptive power of Christ.

The memories of my life once 'stung' me ... over and over ... with painful regret and horrible feelings. There was death in the wounds. Now they've been washed.

"O death, where is your sting? ... The sting of
death is sin... But thanks be to God,
which gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."
(I Corinthians 15:55-57)

Don't Judge on Me

Don't you hate to be judged? It can instantly provoke you to react in the same spirit and judge the person who is judging you. We need to disqualify the person in order to discredit the thing that is coming our way.

I'm guilty. When I was new in scripture, I wanted to see all things line up with the way He explains things. I was going through an intense transformation in my life and, in immaturity, thought it all applied to everyone at the same time and pace it was happening to me. That was not loving. It was religious and causes pride in yourself and provokes rebellion in others.

OH, but don't worry. God has a way of watching weeds grow with flowers and my time of weed-pulling was on its way. Fast and furious.

I meant well but I was not sensitive. I truly loved God and His truths but I needed wisdom. I didn't truly know how to LOVE. And without God-love, we are a bunch of noise. I Corinthians 13

Not surprisingly (as I look back), God allowed some very deep unraveling in my life. I went to a community group last night that was asking some hard questions about suffering. I was able to reflect on the role of personal suffering in my life.

I went through a time when I fell into sin in ways that I never thought I would do. I was also victimized. I became so self-judged, ashamed and disillusioned. How could this happen? Other people played a part--but that is not my business. My heart is my business.

I was crushed, run-over, beaten down, defiled, and smashed to bits. I deeply hated myself and thought I would lose my life and my mind.

There are many mini-stories that fill in the blanks of those last two sentences, but my greatest joy that I bring with me out of that season is: I don't judge people. I have compassion like never before. And having been forgiven so much, I love very deeply.

I come from a long line of grudge holders. I was well-trained.

Judgment is God's business. This is clear. There are a lot of things I don't fully understand in the world regarding injustice--but I know Him and He will set things right. I am totally at peace with that. What a magnificent display and burst of understanding and worship we will experience when we see the perfection of His wrapping up of this age.

One of the first glimpses I had of God as Judge was a time when a couple of women were praying with me about my inability to have children. One of the women said, "Marcie. What do you want?" I had felt that I needed to have children for my husband, my Mother, my family who had been praying, the church who had prayed... it all felt like pressure. But out of my mouth came, "I don't know. So I will wait on Him."

I saw and heard a massive Judge's gavel strike a desk and the sound reverberated in a gigantic, wood-paneled room that was Ancient. The sound was final and comforting. It was done. Sealed. And I had relief from that point. It was OK that I truly didn't know. Besides, it was completely out of my hands. The Judge is my Friend. The Merciful Judge.

After the time I mentioned earlier about being completely crushed and undone, I was touched with the scripture where Hagar called God "The One Who Sees Me". That was enough for me. I had no words; only knowing that I was known and still loved--and that comforted and quieted me.

I have no 'judge' left in me and I don't fear being judged. As Paul says, I Cor 4: 3-5 "I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God."

Some people can be so proud of how they are 'hard on themselves'. Been there. DESIGNED the t-shirt. That is a self-righteous trap. Learning to throw your heart into the mercies of God and extend mercies to everyone in your life--that is freedom. James 2: 3 For the one who has shown no mercy will be judged without mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

Mercy is more powerful. Begin with allowing yourself to absorb mercy from God.

If you have felt judged, please forgive. Sometimes I have felt judged, but the other person wasn't really judging me---my own heart was condemning me and I was being convicted by God. It can be such a trap to lash out at the person in front of you instead of going to God.

Seeking Him is always the Answer.

Madagascar.

"Well, the other side of the world
Is not so far away as I thought that it was
As I once thought it was so far away.
Well, the other side of the world
Is not so far away
And the distances just dissolve into the love;
Into the love...."
--Rich Mullins   The Other Side of the World

Madagascar.

Aside from some animated movies by this name, I haven't known much about it. 

And then, the other side of the world came near.

My friends, George and Donna Snow were commissioned by God to go to Madagascar to train leaders who are there as well as minister The Father's Heart to many girls who are suffering and have been rescued from dangerous living conditions. They tell the story best, so this blog contains excerpts of their updates and include photos of the beautiful people there. 

Christ Community Church and several individuals donated funds to help purchase 96 rhinestone tiaras for the girls -- to be given to them on the last night of ministry. It was a powerful token of how they are Daughters of God; beautiful, valuable and royal.  (Thank you!)

Here is the story:

"We are still in awe how God opened the unexpected door of ministry in Madagascar.  It was the most incredible life changing time for us as we saw God touch so many hungry hearts.  We can’t remember having been in a setting with so much pain and yet so much hunger to know that there is a Father who really loves them.
 
"The day we taught on father issues and The Father's Love with the girls was really emotional.  In that culture it is a shame to expose any hurt or issue in the heart.  So during the ministry time that followed, girls began to weep.  It got stronger and stronger.  It was the greatest release of pain in a room we have ever experienced.  One day at the end of the teaching many started weeping as they opened painful areas of their hearts for the first time. This experience was followed with deep ministry of healing. We believe God is going to bring lasting change to the girls’ school and other ministries as the leaders and the girls walk in more revelation of His love and healing power.
 
"On the final night of the retreat, it was a wonderful sight to see these girls, most of whom would be described as discards by society, enter the “royal banquet”.  A pashmina (shawl) was put around their shoulders and a tiara placed on their head.  They were then escorted by a man in our team (wearing a tuxedo!) to their place at a beautifully decorated table. 

"Neither the girls nor the workers had ever experienced anything like that.  We had hoped to find a mirror somewhere so the girls could see themselves.  We were all shocked to find that the new building we used had this large mirrored wall.  The girls had written their names and decorated the borders of the mirror during one of their craft projects.

"The greatest treasure of all – a Bible with their name already written in it– was presented to each at the end of the evening.  We believe the impact of that evening will last a lifetime."

Testimonies and comments of the leaders and girls in Madagascar:

Before this time I refused to say the word papa.  I am part of the choir but could not sing songs about Father. It brought too much pain to my heart.  After this teaching I could sing songs about Father.  I wrote a song about Father and gave it to the choir director. She will put music to it.  I feel like sharing with every orphan because even if your father is dead your real Father is still there.

This had a great impact on my life.  God asked that I let go and forgive because if I have a dirty heart I am open to the enemy.  God changed me.

Made the girls and all of us feel like princesses. They felt loved and very important.

The tiaras were the biggest shock.  It was a great surprise.  Made us feel important and very valuable.

We felt like this would be the way we would feel if we were not on earth.

The tiaras were very important and confirmed the teaching.

The girls felt it was like a wedding.

 <--------"This is Renee' in our hotel room. When we expressed concern on how much money she was spending on us, she said, "God is My Provider and helps not only my needs but also more to bless others." She is so full of joy!!"

 
"Renee came the morning we were leaving and had brought a gift for you (Marcie).  She had gone to the market and asked God what to buy for you.  It is special since Renee is so poor.  She and her sister live with her mother. They are supported by her mother’s government retirement which is nothing.  She wants you to know how much she appreciated the tiaras. ----->

"I also wanted to share a bit about the dark haired girl in the photo (below) who is having the tiara placed on her head.  Her name is Camille.  She is in her 20s and is now helping with the girls.  Her mother died when she was nine and her father promptly deserted her and the other children.  She was left with the sole responsibility of her siblings.  She had such a hard time taking that first step toward forgiving her father but made significant progress.  This was the first time she was able to really open her heart."
 

 
"And I know that the gates of hell
Are not prone to prevail
As I thought that they were
As I once that they were prone to prevail.
But I know that the gates of hell
They have been destined to fail--
I see Satan impaled on the Sword of the Word;
On the Sword of the Word."
--Rich Mullins   The Other Side of the World

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ox_hgSBOA1o