Hash Brown Emotions

Funny, the things that cross your mind when your emotions are rattled and life is foggy. 

“Scattered. I feel scattered,” I thought. Hmm. Yes—like there are too many roads and it isn’t clear which one is the right one to take. 

First, I guess, I need to figure out the destination. Nah. That's too deep for my current state of mind. That would really put the brakes on me!

 I see the word ‘destiny’ hidden inside the word ‘destination’. Destiny. People talk about missing their destiny. It is made up of a lot of arrival points along the way. Some may not be a place to stop for very long. You know what I mean, right? Just when you think you’ve arrived, you get the sensation that you must keep going. Not at destination, yet. “M’am. Please get away from the bus door and let others pass. Thank you.” (Rats. Sit back down AGAIN.)

Right now? I just want to do what is in front of me and maybe even know what is next. My brain needs to rest before I start looking too far down the bus route.

“Smothered.” That was the next thought. It feels like there are several large things claiming they all need my attention for immediate processing. That being impossible, I feel smothered by the way it all takes the air out of my room.

I clearly don’t have the latest processor.

  Like driving in fog. Don’t you hate driving in fog?

“Covered.”  Buried. Unable to make a step that requires a decision (see ‘smothered’).

When this word crossed my mind, I knew I was being set-up by my subconscious to crave my favorite hash browns from Waffle House. (Shameless, free plug for WH.)

Scattered (so they will cook well).

               Smothered (in onions, of course). 

                           Covered (in CHEESE. DUH.)

There you have it. The cure-all for feeling like you have lots of things in front of you but can’t get anything done. Like you are a bus with lots of arrival points (destinies) but it is taking forever to get to the destination. 

Go to Waffle House and order scattered, smothered and covered hash browns. It holds all the answers to scrambled, log-jammed, buried emotions. I promise.

(If you can take the word of a scattered, smothered and covered person as legit, that is.)

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Well, here is where I was going to be clever and reference places where the words 'scattered', 'smothered' and 'covered' were found in scripture. Ummmm...they weren't that uplifting (out of context). Especially those 'smothered' and 'covered' scriptures.

But here is one of my favorites we can end with--three different ways! 

"Order UP!"

Psalm 94: 19

"When my anxious thoughts multiply against me, Your consolations delight my soul."

"When doubts filled my mind, Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer."

"When I am filled with cares, Your comfort brings me joy."

Second-Hand Jesus

When I was preparing to sleep a couple of nights ago, this went through my mind—“Second-Hand Jesus”. Instantly, I identified times in my life when I felt this described my relationship with Him.

When you are learning how to hear the voice of the Lord and others seem to be sharp in this, it can sometimes be intimidating. It felt at times to me that the Lord had favorites; those who could hear Him, see Him, etc.—and my life with Him didn’t seem very dynamic in comparison.

Comparison.

          There was my undoing.

Learning to be content, peaceful and joyful with the way my relationship with God is progressing has been a challenge. Even while writing those words, I am reminded that we must never get complacent and stop pressing in to knowing Him—but there is a truth to being able to embrace the confidence of His love.

I don’t want ‘your Jesus’, your calling, your relationship with God. I want my own! I want an authentic, loving, living relationship with God. It isn’t enough to watch it in others. It isn’t enough to hear about what He is doing. I want to experience Him in my life---whether that looks similar to yours, or not.

I don’t want to live my life and miss what it was supposed to be. Psalm 139 says all my days were written by Him before any of them came to be. I want a sneak-peek into that book and live what was written for me! I can’t do that if I am always looking over someone else’s shoulder trying to see what is in their book. I won’t have to answer for their lives—I have to answer for my own.

I had to wear hand-me-down clothes when I was a child and I never did fully appreciate that. In a way, I would be excited about those new-to-me clothes—but I desired things that were new and only mine. So, ‘second-hand Jesus’ rang a really deep message through me in more than one area. 

I'm fairly sure He doesn't want a 'Second-Hand Marcie', either; where I pass on to Him the left-overs of my life. If it can be believed that something is worth what you pay for it, He paid EVERYTHING to ransom me. I am everything to Him. He is to be everything to me.  

How tragic would it be if He came across the precious, expensive pieces of my life in a 'soul garage sale' where I was getting rid of my calling, my hope, my joy, my dreams...at the world's cheap prices? Second-Hand Marcie would be heartbreaking for Him--and wouldn't 'fit' anyone else who tried to buy it! I want to bring Him joy!

So, what does Jesus look like in my life? What does He want to say to me? How may I serve Him? This is my life mission—to have a first-hand relationship with Jesus, the Son of God.

             There really is no other kind.

Cocoon. Not Collapse.

I have these sudden bursts of the need for solitude that overtake me from time to time. I get the feeling that in order to survive, I must retreat. I call it cocooning.

This process is not new to me, so I have given it a lot of thought. 

First of all, I find that this desperate need comes from not taking care of myself as I ought.  I’m doing too much, extending myself too much emotionally, carrying the concern for things I cannot control or even influence, or entertaining strife on a soul-level. There can be other things but mostly my times have those common themes. Oh, and repressed grief. Yeah, that’s a beast. Basically, it boils down to me not maintaining personal peace---and then I feel I have to emotionally disappear to accomplish a ‘reboot’.  It is detox cocooning.

 

(I really want one of these. Don't you think I could suspend it from our lower deck? 

 

I kinda think I need it...)

 

 

One thing I am learning is not to ‘believe my own thoughts’ during a detox cocooning period.

 

Because I am emotionally spent, my thinking is not healthy. I also need to be careful about what I take in during that time. For instance---I need to read good things, avoid heavy movies, walk in the sunshine and replace the negative thought-streaming with God’s truths.

Another thing of which I am keenly aware is the importance of respecting the cocoon as a process that prevents collapse. While I know the higher road of self-care would be to take better care of myself along the way, I respect this mechanism now for what it is: healing. Intensive care.

Cocooning is not easy. It is a struggle and it is also a struggle for those who love cocoon-ers. My husband sees the cocoon begin to thicken and he respects the solitude I am headed for because he knows it is healing for me. For him to respect my process requires a great deal of trust. He trusts me to use the time to struggle for strength and not sink into a dark place.

People know not to squash a cocoon when they see one. There is a life inside and beauty is coming. But it is also OK to watch… because there will be progress… and it is OK to guard the cocoon from predators. In fact, it is good to have a Watcher (prayer support).

We have a responsibility to keep going. I read a wonderful encouragement recently "There are a lot of people on the other side of your obedience."

2 Samuel 17:16  “Now send a message at once and tell David, ‘Do not spend the night at the fords in the wilderness; cross over without fail, or the king and all the people with him will be swallowed up.’”

The struggle to emerge begins almost as soon as I realize cocooning is upon me. I have a personal commitment to live. I let people know I need prayer. 

For any of you who may cocoon (yes, it is a verb in my world), you have a responsibility to those who love you. While cocooning can be a healthy re-charging, rebooting process—people in your life need to know you are not shutting down, avoiding life in an unhealthy way, emotionally punishing by withdrawal or various other passive-aggressive, toxic practices.

Cocooning is NOT those things. 

Remind yourself of the goal!

Cocooning is retreating to heal, reflect and course-correct.

One of my goals as the time of emergence is close and clarity is better—I seek to know what precipitated the need for that particular cocoon. I make note of it, journal the process, compare it to other seasons to see if there is a pattern I need to address---and I rejoice at God’s faithfulness in teaching me, protecting me and loving me.

Cocooning. The Struggle Is Real.  :)

 

  From "EMERGENCY!" to "EMERGENCE!"

 

P.S. If you struggle with depression, please seek help. This post is not encouraging depressive isolation which is not helpful.  Don't believe the lie that no one understands. Many of us do. Call someone. :)

 

 

I don't blog often. But when I do...

...it is an intentional step into the light.

The light of being known.

I met with a lady yesterday who has been ministering to hurting people for a long, long time. She said, "The fear of being known is a big, big deal with so many people."

In one sense, people have never been so 'known'.

I think what most people are truly afraid of is being judged. Judgment has condemnation and we all know what an awful feeling THAT is! Safer to just not be 'known'.

Many people have hundreds of facebook friends.

MySpace started the revolution of "I". 

TONS of people are on YouTube.

Twitter is a running narrative of our culture's thoughts, reactions and opinions.

It is a cultural outcry of "SEE ME!!" 

                                   I am not invisible.
                                                         I have a voice.

Fascinating, isn't it?  

Yet loneliness is epidemic. Sure, we all would say that social media is not intimate friendship---but just recreation.

Right?

((Right??))


It is no secret to those who know me that I love facebook. For me, it is an efficient way to have at-a-glance updates on a lot of people I wouldn't otherwise see very often---much less be able to talk to every day!

But it is no substitute for getting together with your closest friends and talking about life. Laughing. Discussing important things. And being deeply known.

We are called to deeper relationships. We are made in the image of our Father--and He is interested in being fully known, filling our deepest needs, and seeing us connected together in unity.

That takes time and effort.



And stepping out into LIFE.

Make the time. Don't be too busy. Push past the shyness. The fear. The voice of past disappointments with friends.

Get to know someone and let them know you.

Learn to trust again.

We need each other.

The Evening of Life

I watched a movie that featured an elderly lady who was in her last hours—she asked her nurse, “Can you tell me… Where did my life go?”

There she was – having lived a very long life – she asks the question many have asked in that hour.

“Where did my life go?”

The nurse asked her to reflect on her life.  “What do you see?”   The older lady, from her bed, answered, “Waste.  Failure.”

The nurse tried to prompt her to self-soothe.  “Try to think of something pleasant in your past-- an ordinary moment in an ordinary day.” 

Finally she began to talk about a true love she had in her life. It’s like her face lost the wrinkles when she talked. Love. That eternal renewing power.

At last—she settled her mind on the one thing that mattered the most!

Of course not all love is romantic love. Love is when you give of yourself – all through this life. 

Have we loved?

When my earth life is ending, I hope I am with people I love and I hope I am able to talk for hours about all the love I have had in my life.  I hope I prattle on and on about things people didn’t even know about-- to the degree that they wonder if I am crazy or still even connected to this world!  After all, love sounds like nonsense sometimes to those who look on.

In fact, I don’t want to wait until the end of life to be filled with love words and love reflections!

I don’t want to miss any occasion to love. 

What else is there?

 

“I thought there would be so many chances,” the old lady said...

 

 

Get.It.Together.

In my hurry to survive different stages in life, I’ve left parts of myself behind.

In my journey for wholeness, I have discovered parts of myself –stuck in seasons of pain—that are wounded and waiting for attention. This is an interesting discovery, to say the least.

For instance, in a ministry appointment not long ago, a very wounded “Little Marcie” was tended to.

She is the youngest part of me who was wounded at a very young age and thought it is safer to be hidden than to be known. For that part of me, being known is dangerous and could end in punishment.

In careful prayer, I had to submit the pain that the young part of me held onto. No doubt, it served for survival at some point but the downside is that because it was STILL not taken care of, I could very easily be triggered into “hiding” to protect---even at the slightest hint of “danger” or even a reasonable challenge!  

Even healthy challenges would feel like a threat because they would require for me to be ‘known’ and THAT was frightening!

I was able to get in touch with the pain and humiliation of the season of time ‘she’ represented and let healing come in there. Now, that tactic of “hiding” is greatly losing its grip as I break agreement with the idea that it is still necessary and valid for coping with my ‘now’ life.

Another part of my life that was encapsulated in pain was the tragic ending of my first marriage. Not only that, but the inability to have children and all the pain and stigma that added to my life and its contribution to the divorce.  Because I slammed straight into the brick wall of yet another season of trauma when my husband and I separated, I was not able to slow down and heal in “real time”.  I dissociated at that point and survived in another way. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was able to safely access this part that had to wait and was holding so much pain. I saw it as ‘Desolate Wife’ and – wow—there was a lot of denied grief pent up in her (me) as well as the wrong belief that God had forgotten me in that time.

 
Letting down the walls and letting God love me and speak His truth to that place of pain has brought a great deal of relief.   

Without that healing experience, the oddest things could trigger that pocket of pain and I would be catapulted into a series of extreme, seemingly irrational, disproportionate reactions that even I could not explain! 

There may very well be other segments of my life that are time-locked in pain because I had to hurry through them in order to keep my life moving and ‘survive’.  Slowly, as it is safe to do so, these things are being revisited, the toxicity and trauma is removed and peace comes.

I am convinced there are parts of our lives that have not been brought to resolution. 

They will resurface when the wound is threatened and the message comes out, once again, with a loud and clear “BACK OFF”.  It takes sensitivity and the Presence of God to safely visit these places of pain, bring the truth that God really was there and did not forsake us, and let Him bring comfort and peace.

Time to UNPACK!

We MUST slow down and heal as we go.  If we don’t, we ‘stuff’ the pain and a part of our self and, in some degree, dissociate.  While built-in survival techniques are in themselves a God-send—a God-design…we really can live a life that is higher than just ‘survival mode’.

Call it what you want—we all have ‘stuffed stuff’ we haven’t slowed down and dealt with.  

As I said, I am on a journey of wholeness. 

Peace by piece.