I was so sure this was God's man for me. Sure enough to make the vows and say, "I do." Everything was right: the dress, the cake, the punch, the invitations, the flowers, tuxedos, attendants, gifts, well-wishes. I have to wonder how many guests wondered, "What in the world are they thinking??
As the years passed, we beat all the odds. We not only stayed together, we traveled and served God in various capacities. As the decades went on, we faced challenges like my inability to have children, burying parents, changing careers, owning and selling homes, and starting over every time we left the country and returned after doing mission work overseas.
Then the crash happened. It wasn't on the national news. The stock market didn't feel it. The world kept turning. But the crash of 2003 was real and of epic proportions in my world; the marriage ended.
Forever lasted 27 years. I was a statistic. I felt small.
"I'm going through a mid-life crisis," he said. He was cracked at the core with all that brings a soul to saying something like that in the terms of ending a covenant. "I hope I can begin again with someone who can give me children."
My heart broke for him.For us. How could he not fight for.... us?
Wow. The enemy orchestrated the ending blow using an argument of something I couldn't fix. Counseling wouldn't fix it. I was in my late 40s and my body was past the time of pursuing other options that would allow pursuit of a natural child. It was not a debate.
When your saddest reality becomes a reason in your spouse's mind to justify walking away---it is a blow to the soul and spirit. The Lord had warned me it was coming, but I didn't know the words that would be used. I was stunned.
So, I quietly took all I needed to start over again and moved to Texas to be near family.
"Well, God, You are my Husband. And with You, forever means forever." That was my new mission statement for life.
What did I miss? Where did I fail? How did I lose the very thing I cherished the most--my love and my 27 year marriage? Some of these answers escape me, still. Mostly because things like this are answered when the two people involved have a discussion and bring both perspectives to light. I did not have the gift of this conversation.
Aren't unanswered questions just the worst?? They are the hardest to put to rest. By God's grace, I have been able to lay it down. In compassion, I have begun to understand the weaknesses in that marriage. As best I can tell, they are as follows:
1. Secret sins and longings for something else undermine, erode and decay a marriage.
2. Falling out of fellowship with God and His people---losing accountability and growing cold in love for others breaks down the fiber of a union.
3. Refusal to seek counsel for individual and marriage healing is a sure covenant with failure.
4. Disillusionment with God because of hardships can weaken the soul that is not steadied by a growing, Word-fed spirit. Identifying yourself as a life victim will cause you to forget the faithfulness and power of God. You can be so paralyzed by "Why me?" that you cannot seek "What now?"
5. Believing the lie that you can do 'better' with 'another' and allowing that to grow in your heart until it becomes your 'truth' becomes a false armor of defense against a spouse who still wants to love you.
I was driving one day, before the day of marriage death, and heard a song on the radio that said, "You are the air I breathe; You are the air I breathe; Your Holy Spirit--living in me. And I ... am desperate for You..." I pulled the car over and cried. I was so desperate for Him. As desperate as we are for breathing. It was the beginning of my return to He Who Never Left Me. And Never Would.
I found the strength to start over. To let go of a love that I had since I was a teenager. The Lord showed me it was like the splitting of conjoined twins. It had to be done carefully so both could live on their own--one without the other. I asked Him to masterfully do this. I was so identified with this union that I thought I would need to change my name from 'Marcie' to something else as I was convinced I couldn't be 'Marcie' without 'Alan'. People talked me out of it.
I found that I was, am, and always will be 'Marcie'. I returned to my maiden name, Elliott, and restructured my life with my siblings and my father.
When I married my sweetheart, Dudley, I kept the name Elliott and joined it with his name, Smith. This was not as a sign of trendy feminine rebellion, but a sign of I am authentically Marcie Elliott now fully joined to Dudley Smith. I didn't lose myself to do it--but I brought all I truly am with me. All the years in another marriage are not lost or wasted--they are redeemed and they are still my life story.
In order to do so, I had to return to who I was before the first marriage and understand my birthright. I am my father's child: Marcie Elliott. I accept my forever husband, Dudley Smith. And together, I am completely known in a new life... Marcie Elliott-Smith. In our vows, I told Dudley, "You are my home."
I look at the hyphen and it looks like a minus sign to me. Something was removed for this to happen. Something huge. Something that had my entire devotion. And then I look again at the hyphen and I see a bridge. A connector. A path. Something that spans the authentic 'me' to the new life.
The old Christian song says: "No turning back. No turning back."
My ex-husband is a tender soul and I trust he is restored and loving God.
Sometimes forever is 27 years. Sometimes forever is eternity. Eternity swallows it all. Life isn't quite that compartmentalized, after all. The continuum is that God has been faithful to me when others could not. He is my Steadfast; the Ancient of Days; the 'One who looks after me' Genesis 16: 13.
I said, "I do" to Him when I was a child. And what a tried and true union that has been!
Long ago, someone prophesied to me that I would have two adopted children. Here they are:
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| Marcie, Betty, Crawford, Dudley |
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| Marcie and Dudley |
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| Crawford, Dudley, Marcie |
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