I'm guilty. When I was new in scripture, I wanted to see all things line up with the way He explains things. I was going through an intense transformation in my life and, in immaturity, thought it all applied to everyone at the same time and pace it was happening to me. That was not loving. It was religious and causes pride in yourself and provokes rebellion in others.
OH, but don't worry. God has a way of watching weeds grow with flowers and my time of weed-pulling was on its way. Fast and furious.
I meant well but I was not sensitive. I truly loved God and His truths but I needed wisdom. I didn't truly know how to LOVE. And without God-love, we are a bunch of noise. I Corinthians 13
Not surprisingly (as I look back), God allowed some very deep unraveling in my life. I went to a community group last night that was asking some hard questions about suffering. I was able to reflect on the role of personal suffering in my life.
I went through a time when I fell into sin in ways that I never thought I would do. I was also victimized. I became so self-judged, ashamed and disillusioned. How could this happen? Other people played a part--but that is not my business. My heart is my business.
I was crushed, run-over, beaten down, defiled, and smashed to bits. I deeply hated myself and thought I would lose my life and my mind.
There are many mini-stories that fill in the blanks of those last two sentences, but my greatest joy that I bring with me out of that season is: I don't judge people. I have compassion like never before. And having been forgiven so much, I love very deeply.
I come from a long line of grudge holders. I was well-trained.
Judgment is God's business. This is clear. There are a lot of things I don't fully understand in the world regarding injustice--but I know Him and He will set things right. I am totally at peace with that. What a magnificent display and burst of understanding and worship we will experience when we see the perfection of His wrapping up of this age.
One of the first glimpses I had of God as Judge was a time when a couple of women were praying with me about my inability to have children. One of the women said, "Marcie. What do you want?" I had felt that I needed to have children for my husband, my Mother, my family who had been praying, the church who had prayed... it all felt like pressure. But out of my mouth came, "I don't know. So I will wait on Him."
I saw and heard a massive Judge's gavel strike a desk and the sound reverberated in a gigantic, wood-paneled room that was Ancient. The sound was final and comforting. It was done. Sealed. And I had relief from that point. It was OK that I truly didn't know. Besides, it was completely out of my hands. The Judge is my Friend. The Merciful Judge.
After the time I mentioned earlier about being completely crushed and undone, I was touched with the scripture where Hagar called God "The One Who Sees Me". That was enough for me. I had no words; only knowing that I was known and still loved--and that comforted and quieted me.
I have no 'judge' left in me and I don't fear being judged. As Paul says, I Cor 4: 3-5 "I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God."
Some people can be so proud of how they are 'hard on themselves'. Been there. DESIGNED the t-shirt. That is a self-righteous trap. Learning to throw your heart into the mercies of God and extend mercies to everyone in your life--that is freedom. James 2: 3 For the one who has shown no mercy will be judged without mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.
Mercy is more powerful. Begin with allowing yourself to absorb mercy from God.
If you have felt judged, please forgive. Sometimes I have felt judged, but the other person wasn't really judging me---my own heart was condemning me and I was being convicted by God. It can be such a trap to lash out at the person in front of you instead of going to God.
Seeking Him is always the Answer.
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